The healing process

Updated: Jun 30

I was under the weather this past week. Out of nowhere, something hit me and had me bedridden for a few days. The worst part about it was how these thick clouds of pessimism hovered over me. Every thought I had was covered in gloom and doubt. Late at night, my mind would be awake and busy generating anxiety-inducing thoughts. I felt miserable. It was as though I was going through a delayed time of grievance. I had suffered a significant loss a little while ago. A beloved illusion that kept me going all these years crumbled down like an old structure being demolished. The devastation was severe. Suddenly, my insecurities were exposed, so I immediately covered them up by adopting a new perspective and started plowing away again. Now that I was physically ill and forced to slow down, it seemed like the emotions that were left behind came back to be appropriately acknowledged. I wallowed in anger and sadness for a while, and by the time I had enough, I was well again.


photo: from a neighborhood in downtown Osaka  

写真:通天閣界隈の風景

心身不良


先週は体調不良のため、珍しく数日寝込んでいました。その間、憂鬱と悲観をいっぱいため込んだ分厚い雲に覆われている感覚に襲われ、夜もなかなか寝付けず、頭の中で次から次へと心配の材料を新たに作り出してはまた気落ちする、というありさまでした。心身ともに完全にネガティブモードに入ってしまいました。そのうちに少し前に起こったある事件を思い返しました。その事件とは、これまで自分が鎧のように愛用してきた自己防御システムが音を立てて崩れ落ちるというもので、当時かなりの衝撃を受けたのでした。にもかかわらず、動揺してはいられない、と早々にまた新たな防護服をまとってここまで順調にきたつもりでした。それが今になって、その時の未消化の感情が体のあちこちからにじみ出したのがこの度の体調不良の原因と思われた。さまざまな負の感情を出しきった頃には体調もすっかり回復してました。

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